Sometimes in life we have to grapple with issues that are far bigger than what we can see or control. I experienced this recently, when for the first time in my life, I felt that I should break up with a girl who was in many ways ideal. It broke my heart and hers, and was a struggle that got made all the worse because I didn’t have the discipline to make a decision and stick to it. I was thrown around with the tide of emotions, and that caused her prolonged pain as well.
Eventually, we accepted the inevitable, and committed to going our separate ways. We still had a lot of love for each other, and a lot of pain from the way things fell apart. I carry some lingering doubts about why I wasn’t satisfied with her, and at times it’s hard to resist beating myself up.
But these times of intense suffering are also the greatest opportunities for growth. I’ve done some of the deepest reflection and spiritual exploration of my life in just the past couple of months. I launched this new blog. I started coaching others. Soon I will be making changes in my career and possibly my city. Motion has sprung forth.
Even when I’m gripped by the deepest levels of despair, I have become self-aware enough to observe it, to realize that it’s not objective reality, and to learn something from it. I hope that having gone through extremely difficult situations in my life will give me the empathy and compassion to fully help others to get through their pain.
One thing I’ve learned is that we must love our fate. Whatever happens to us in our life is part of our “spiritual curriculum.” Everything is an opportunity to grow, whether it brings us pleasure or pain. It is all equally valuable to us.
Today I had a very challenging, upsetting, and also uplifting experience. I was texting with my ex because of a work-related question that she was suited to answer. We hadn’t spoken for about 3 weeks before this.
We got to talking about her new city, and she assured me she was extremely happy there, and knew from the moment she got there that she belonged there. She knew in her heart that all the pain we had been through had been for a purpose.
I was happy for her, but my ego was a little hurt to know she seemed to be okay without me. I made a couple stupid comments, but it made us start talking more deeply about “us.” She told me she wasn’t planning to tell me so soon, but she had already met someone else.
He is a friend of friends, and also lives on her block. They had great chemistry, and he seemed to be the embodiment of the type of man she told me she hoped to find in the future. She never belittled me, and always maintained that her love for me was unconditional. She also recognized my flaws and shortcomings, and loved me for it all.
The man she hoped to find was patient, understanding, serious about marriage, and Catholic. I have a lot of understanding and some patience, but the rest not so much. And that’s basically who she found.
It’s only been a couple of weeks, and she says she’s taking it slow because she’s been through so much. I have no idea if she’ll end up marrying this guy, but I can already tell that she hopes she does. It’s kind of miraculous in a way, that the stars aligned and put everything into place for her so fast.
For me, it’s also a form of catharsis and relief. I am actually really happy for her, even though my ego is feeling a lot of jealousy and sadness. I had my chance to have her, and I chose to let her go. I have to make peace with that, and love my fate.
But the fact that she is already in such a great emotional place, probably more than I would be willing to give her for the near future, helps me to see that everything will work out. Even if I don’t know my exact path yet.
Her and I are on different timelines. She should be prioritizing marriage and getting it done soon. The fact that she was “red pill” about this was something I loved about her. But I couldn’t embrace it with equal enthusiasm. I believe I still have more journeying to do before I really consider marriage. Not just sex, but the type of soul-exploration you can do best on your own. With the freedom to move and behave unencumbered by another.
In some ways, having a loving partner can inspire you as a man. But undoubtedly it limits you as well. There is a time and place for this in many men’s lives, and I actually do look forward to it. Committing to someone, building a family, sacrificing… these are all natural instincts for men, and we shouldn’t reject them because of some horror stories we hear. It’s not like that for everyone, and even people who get divorced don’t all come out of it as bad as the worst ones we focus on.
This experience reminds me of the parable of the farmer and his horse. Roosh did a great job retelling and analyzing that story. Each time something happens to the farmer, people try to say it’s good, or bad. The farmer just says, “We’ll see.”
Essentially, sometimes the things we think are good for us lead to bad things later. And then the bad things that happen to us sometimes turn out to be good.
The truth is, things just happen. We don’t know why one thing leads to the next, and we can never predict it. Fate truly is out of our hands, and that’s what frees us to appreciate or enjoy anything in life.
My ex believed that her life was ruined when we broke up. I was afraid that she was right. Just a few short months have already shown us that we were wrong. Life goes on. And a breakup doesn’t have to break you. There are no guarantees, but doing the right thing is the right thing, regardless of what happens later.
In this case, I feel blessed that I got an answer so quickly. I don’t have to sit and wonder if any good will come from this breakup, and whether it was all needless pain. Even if I haven’t reached some kind of bliss and peace of mind like she has, I’ve always been excited by the difficult journey in life. The steps I’ve already started to take, even if they don’t look like forward motion yet, are a form of satisfaction for me as well. I have found peace in knowing that I’m moving toward my fate. And if I accept all of my fate, then it can never harm me or keep me from my happiness.