It is commonly thought that mutual “attraction” is the most fundamental basis for establishing a relationship between two people. But what exactly is attraction? Is it as simple as wanting to have sex with that person?
There is no question that having great sex is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. This is because truly great sex is an intersection of both a person’s natural sex drive (horniness), and their attraction to their partner. And although these two things seem related, they are actually two separate phenomena.
A man’s horniness is mostly a result of hormonal factors, such as testosterone level. It can also be influenced by his environment, physical activity, the type of women and stimuli around him, and his mindset. As I have approached age 30, I have noticed a definite decrease in my raw enjoyment of sex. I don’t get the same thrill from it anymore, and I feel less of a desire to prioritize the act of sex and sexual release in my life.
I have heard many other men describe these same changes. Some of it can be offset by keeping your testosterone high through diet, sleep, weightlifting and even direct injections/supplementation, but there is no escaping this inevitable fade over time. It is also a result of dopamine burnout after having sex thousands of times with many different women.
However, what I find most interesting is that I am still just as attracted to women. I get immense pleasure from talking to beautiful women, from admiring their pretty faces and hourglass figures. The truth is that the way a man perceives women is hardwired into his brain, and it is as much a part of him as breathing. It is inseparable from his biological existence.
It is precisely these factors, and the natural changes that men go through, that make them more interested in longterm relationships as opposed to short flings as they age. In considering sex drive and attraction, which one is more important for lasting happiness in a relationship? Without a doubt, it is attraction.
Even for the randiest of couples, sex only takes up a small portion of the day. And a man’s purely sexual need to “get off” can be fulfilled by all kinds of women. But when a man has true, deep attraction to his partner, he can derive pleasure from this all day long.
A man’s attraction to beauty is one of his greatest pleasures, but not just in the sense that she is a sexual object. His pleasure comes in sharing the company of a beautiful woman, in seeing her smile at him throughout the day, or wear a new dress she bought, or in coming home to see her perky butt bent over the oven cooking him dinner.
Her personality, values, and femininity can also be “attractive” to a man, and certainly they can add to the overall effect. But even just on the level of physical attraction, there is something divinely satisfying about just being around a beautiful woman and getting to call her your own.
When a man is in a relationship with a woman he is truly attracted to, on this level, his love for her will remain strong even when he no longer feels as much sexual desire. Especially if she maintains her figure and looks (it helps if he marries a younger woman).
Think of a man like Donald Trump, Hugh Hefner, or other men in their 50, 60s, and beyond. They might not have as much of a need to constantly seek sex or masturbate, but the sight of a beautiful woman still fills them with excitement. They still choose to marry and sleep with young, fertile women if they ever get the chance. This desire never goes away and will continue giving them happiness until the day they die. Even if they become completely incapable of physically having sex– having a sexy woman by their hospital bedside will continue giving them emotional pleasure. It is that deeply ingrained in a man’s brain.
But if a man does not feel this deep level of attraction for his partner, he is depriving himself of some of life’s greatest enjoyments. Everything about a relationship could still “work,” but it just won’t have the same shine to it. When a man is with a girl he is deeply attracted to– a girl he believes is truly sexy, and beautiful– every mundane activity becomes sweeter.
For example, consider the relatively routine event of going out to dinner. Sure, it’s fun to try a new restaurant, or go to your old favorite. But when a man is dating a sexy woman, he can look forward to something as simple as watching her get dressed, seeing her appear in a new outfit, enjoy “showing her off” around town, and maybe appreciate some new lingerie she bought when they get home at the end of the night. But the point is, if a man has true attraction to his woman, he will be just as satisfied after sex, watching her walk around the room, then getting back into bed to snuggle up on his chest.
One more point on the idea of “showing a girl off”: some people would criticize this notion as the result of a fragile male ego. On the contrary, it is man’s nature to want to find a woman he can be proud of. Being seen in the company of a beautiful woman, having her on your arm, sharing your life and meeting your acquaintances raises a man’s status. It makes him more than he was before. It is “social proof” but it is also self-actualizing. It is more than smoke and mirrors– it is a true elevation of that man’s happiness and the respect he gets from others.
A lot of women will read this post and try to comment “But real attraction is about more than looks!” This is simply projection because that is the way they are attracted to men. It is perfectly healthy for a man to pick his woman based majorly, or even exclusively, on looks. This is what gives men pleasure. This is how they feel deep, authentic attraction.
Don’t let women shame you into thinking that their attraction cues are somehow “deeper” or “more mature” than men’s. The sexes are equal, but opposite. They are balancing forces of yin and yang, and that’s okay. Let them judge men on social dominance, height, dark triad-esque psychopathy, and financial-provider prospects. Of course, women just feel their attraction, which is why they believe it is “realer” or more based on “fate.” Many of them actually do know (consciously) exactly what it is that gets their ‘ginas tingling, but they will just never admit it in mixed company.
When women try to shame you for being attracted to young, sexy girls, they always, always, always have an ulterior motive. Even if you don’t know what it is, you can be sure that it is some function of her ego-protecting rationalizations, or trying to serve her own interests in some way. You can politely nod, thank her, and then not give it a further thought.
It would behoove men, even when they find themselves desiring sex itself less in life, to still seek beauty. It’s great to have a loving, supportive life partner, but if there is no attraction at the foundation of the relationship, it’s not much more than a friendship. You might as well just be hanging out with your best friend.
Sex drive and attraction are two separate systems, and must be fulfilled in their separate ways. Sometimes you can fulfill them both with the same woman– but even then, it is unlikely that your sex drive will be permanently satisfied by just one woman for the rest of your life. You can choose what to do about this, from a moral perspective. But you are setting yourself up for the best shot at longterm happiness by not selling yourself short on the attraction side of the equation. There is a lot a man can compromise on, but this is much easier when it is for a woman he is deeply attracted to. He will be happier overall with her, than with someone he is “compatible” with but not as attracted to. Ideally you should have both.
Of course, you still need to run good game and make sure your woman is attracted to you as well. You can’t put her on a pedestal, you can’t obsess over her or make her think that you value her more than yourself. Striking this balance comes from experience with women, and building confidence in yourself. But never discount the soul-immersing happiness you can achieve as a man by capturing the heart of a truly beautiful woman.